Posted on July 18, 2010
Filed Under English
Being on Twitter and having strong opinions on some matters, religion in particular, sometimes leads to heated discussions. The format of Twitter messages, binding you to a strict 140 character message length, forces you to be precise and to the point. Over time, this has produced a number of one-liners, and I want to put them on here, so others may use them. All of these are mine, and mine alone. They’re not supposed to be pearls of wisdom, they’re merely sophistries and playful word games. Some have been slightly adjusted to stand on their own a little better. You can use them with or without attribution. I don’t really care! P.S.: some Google+ quotes (longer than tweets) may start showing up here.
I’d happily eat theists for breakfast, but they’re really nothing more than hot air and empty calories.
If you have a personal relationship with Jesus, I pray to God it means you’re screwing the pool boy.
Whatever happened to God’s only begotten daughter? Was that the one Mohammed married? I’m confused.
The devil went down to Georgia because he was met with sarcasm, jeering, and disbelief up north.
People of faith should get used to the idea that, to a rational atheist, they resemble hamsters in a cage, frantically running in a wheel.
Isn’t it ironic that religious wingnuts keep pushing things like atheism and evolution into the realm of beliefs in order to discredit them? Think about it.
I find it entirely possible to ignore God. I find it entirely impossible to ignore a wasp. Why would that be?
Religions are fossilized versions of ancient moral teachings. Which is why they are a pointless source of morality now.
That God moves in mysterious ways is best exemplified by whom he sends on the Internet to defend His reputation.
Prayer, [noun] – the act or practice of telling God that his infallible plan sucks and that you demand changes ASAP.
Heaven, [noun] – the place or state of existence where aborted children get to meet the repenting rapists that fathered them.
Televangelist, [noun], a well-respected atheist, usually of considerable means and influence.
Megachurch, [noun], a large structure created as a space to collect donations to pay for itself.
Religion, [noun], the practice of fanatical role-play, based on a variety of fantasy novels.
Religion is learned behavior that stunts mental growth. Luckily, it can be unlearned, and mental growth is not age-dependent. Take the first step now.
If you ask me to respect your religion and beliefs …
You’re asking me to include and accept you, when you exclude and disrespect anyone not like you ♻ You’re asking me for the same thing you refuse to give to a non-believer or other religions ♻ You’re asking me to casually glance over your blatant disrespect for science, facts, and observation ♻ You’re asking me to disregard hypocrisy, child abuse, indoctrination, misogyny, homophobia ♻ You’re asking me to insult caring, helpful, and kind people by attributing everything to a sky daddy ♻ You’re asking me to buy a car from you without GPS, taking directions from a donkey-riding hippie ♻You’re actually asking me to join you in condemning all other cults, sects, and denominations ♻ You’re asking me to censor myself around you, but to accept the vile and ignorant opinions you spew …
Go on, ask me again.
‘Tolerance’ is not bending over backwards to accommodate religious bigots tearing the social and political system to shreds.
Freedom of Ridicule: the right not to respect beliefs that are arguably and demonstrably neither factual nor scientific.
Jesus cannot possibly be the answer to everything. He never made it to 42.
So, how many people unfollowed Jesus today?
Religious moral indignation is a renewable source of energy and easy to generate. Baffled scientist: “It never runs out!”.
There is no higher accolade than to be called ‘ignorant’ by a believer, demonstrating you are impervious to their bullshit.
Young believers are adorable little creatures. They still believe that their faith is a ‘truth’, not a lifestyle choice.
Religion is a tyrannical crybaby. So long as we keep pampering and giving in, it will NEVER stop screaming.
All men descended from Atom. He was a real star once.
If you believe that an imaginary Sky Daddy is the buffer between you and murder, I want you nowhere near my house.
Faith is thinking nonsense must be true. Praying is asking nonsense to come true. Religion is nonsense about nonsense.
The history of religion consists of inventing and selling outlandish explanations for what is not logically possible.
Freedom of religion doesn’t mean anything and should not be respected until clear limits to that freedom have been set.
It’s always easy to condemn, denounce, and disown when exclusionary and hateful ideas and rhetoric are taken to actual execution, isn’t it?
The basic appeal of faith: consistently violate your religion’s morals, pray for forgiveness, and receive no punishment.
Religion throws oil into a clean pool of thought. It contaminates and degrades everything around it.
Don’t tell me I don’t want to see God. If God existed there would be no possible way to ignore him.
An atheist can only debate people of faith if they agree to respect rational arguments. This is called “deconversion”.
If your religious beliefs prevent you from doing your job, you leave the job. The job does NOT adjust itself to you.
After a life of happily doing the Devil’s work, surely there’s nothing to fear when you finally end up in Hell: “Welcome!”
Due to their mindsets, religious people see atheism as a religion, and atheists see religious people as rational, Both are wrong.
If a voice from above speaks to me, I hope it manages to talk me into checking into a mental hospital.
The New Singularity: The Big Bang was caused by the First Suicide Bomber.
How offended you are has no correlation with how right you are.
Abortion is about saving one life, instead of destroying two.
No society should extend legal privileges and tax breaks to people who base their lives on fiction, and force it on others.
Your education system is fucked when evolution and creationism are considered ‘two sides of a medal’ and a ‘matter of choice’.
Those who claim to possess The Truth are always first in line when it comes to throwing the first stone.
If your earthly existence is the training ground for your later eternal life, why are your training methods so fucked up?
I’m a moral relativist. I’m an atheist. I’m a nihilist. I have no external moral authority. But I’m not in prison.
That God reveals himself through inarticulate guys smelling of piss and booze is a clear sign of his self-assuredness.
I reveal that Christ will not return until all churches have been turned into fabulous condos for gay couples.
The more religious a country, the more it gets hit by natural disasters. You figure out the causality and conclusion there.
Religion is not inevitable. It’s a lifestyle choice. An unhealthy one, that should come with severe warning labels.
If you are personally (and only personally) responsible for your actions, with no external recourse or excuse … welcome to atheism.
No one should be granted special privileges based on the fact that they believe in a supernatural being.
If you demand respect for your beliefs, you automatically forfeit the right to criticise atheists for lack thereof.
Freedom of religion creates a class of citizens that can get away with behavior that anyone else would be punished for.
When an atheist cuts little boys’ genitals, they will be shunned and punished. Freedom of religion breeds injustice.
When an atheist abuses and misleads children, they will be loathed and punished. Freedom of religion breeds injustice.
When an atheist slices an animal’s throat, they will be hated and punished. Freedom of religion breeds injustice.
Freedom of religion: mutilation, animal cruelty, indoctrination, inequality, discrimination, tax breaks!.Respect that!
The simple fact that it’s already 2011 and that no apocalypse has occurred is enough proof that all holy books are wrong.
Religions are the vestigial tails of developing societies. Unnecessary, unsightly, and ultimately disappearing.
Whether it’s God or Godot, waiting for them is a pointless and absurd exercise.
Freedom of religion contradicts the egalitarian principles that form the basis of a modern democratic society.
Religion … because we have every reason to be nostalgic about the 13th century.
Listening to a theist is like watching a dog licking its balls. It seems to enjoy it, but as a spectacle it gets old fast.
Freedom of religion should not have any societal/political ramifications. Religion belongs in the home, nowhere else.
If you choose to reject reality, reality will ultimately reject you, no longer catering to your wishes out of ‘respect’.
Being anti-religious does not make me a fundamentalist. It makes me look like I smell a fart when you mention your Saviour.
Faith is not a position of strength. No matter how adamant its proponents, rejecting reality is ultimately weak and lazy.
I can’t stand discrimination of religion. They’re all nonsensical and delusional.
With evolution and atheism, you don’t need a reason for your existence, just a reason to live. (free after Ricky Gervais)
Religion … because following The Goat Herder’s Manual to the letter is the rational thing to do in the 21st century.
Our Human Resources department is the only hire power I believe in.
Religion … because it’s amazing how 1% of your holy book seems to apply to about 1% of reality if you squint really hard.
Religion … because nothing is more socially beneficial than gathering in a building away from the rest of society.
Religion … because it allows you to feel smug instead of stupid about not being able to prove your claims.
Religion … because the worst customer service in the world makes you realise you’re simply not a good enough customer.
Religion … because when you saw that single pair of footprints in the sand, you were carrying all of that useless guilt.
Religion … because you know you’re on the right path when there’s a book between you and your fellow man.
Religion … because it is great to declare a book the literal word of God and then cherry-pick the hell out of it.
Religion … because nothing says ‘true believer’ more than appropriating pagan rituals and being a dick about it.
Religion … because all of that progress in humanity and science doesn’t amount to a hill of beans, really.
Religion … because actively denying facts and science makes you feel like a real freedom fighter type of person.
Religion … because it is the only mindset in which “What would Jesus do?” would result in “Hate on gays.”
Religion … because it is the only place where a perpetrator gets counselled and a victim gets punished.
Religion … because saying “There’s a dude up there who knows what I think” exemplifies humanity’s advancement.
Religion … because all of those Holy Books are literally true, but cognitive dissonance is a myth.
If repeating adversity continues to strengthen your faith, I have very interesting investment opportunities for you.
“I will pray for you” serves no other purpose than to convey a totally self-serving, smug, and holier-than-thou attitude.
If you really feel the need to put your hands together, don’t pray to imaginary friends, applaud science and progress.
Freedom of religion is not worth defending: it legitimizes exploitation, abuse, ignorance, and discrimination.
Back in the days, religion was needed to make sense of the world. These days, the world can’t make sense of religion.
Religion is totalitarian. Dictators USE religion (as a tool for control) or KILL religion (as a competing tool for control).
To: firstname.lastname@example.org — Dear Sir, can you please deliver on your promise and take the trash out? Thank you. Sincerely: Atheism.
I believe in death after life.
The world’s religions are both divided and united by a common delusion.
Note: atheists are not by definition sane; they have just one more claim to sanity than people of faith.
Religion is among the most common causes for insanity in atheists.
Don’t be amazed about the multifaceted God of the Bible. It happens when hundreds of people write on the same novel.
The true miracle in all of religion is that people actually believe in it.
The Holy Trinity: Money, Power, Ignorance.
Largest tax-exempt organisations today: organised religion and organised crime. The Father, the Son, and the Godfather.
One day, religion will be considered the blooper reel of humanity.
I am not against freedom of religion, so long as there are ‘Danger’ signs on all fences surrounding all religious buildings.
One cold winter is enough to deny global warming. One billion unanswered prayers a day are not enough to admit delusion.
Do dead churches donate their organs?
As an atheist, I’m not after emancipation, tolerance, or respect. I want religion out of my life, and out of public life.
I dream of the Theolympics, where fundamentalists race to get to the afterlife first.
Evolution: product of observations by science. Atheism: product of observations by humans. Religion: product of lack of observation.
Sunday morning. The perfect time to be intellectually lazy and postpone too much thinking, while the others sleep in.
Secular societies rank highest in freedom of religion and expression, and lowest in violence and discrimination.
It is infinitely more safe for people of religion to live in a secular/atheist society than the other way around.
Looking for patterns and answers is innate. Religion, spirituality and superstition are the man-made easy way out.
God is not dead. God is a man-made idea, and very much alive. But only in that respect, and to the detriment of humanity.
As an atheist, I’m not after being ‘as well-respected’ as religious folk. I’m after replacing myths with facts.
Politics: the art of persuading people to be dicks about choosing against their own best interests and better judgement (also: Religion).
And On The Seventh Day, Under The Guise Of ‘Rest’, God Gleefully Covered All Of His Tracks Forever.
Life without God is like a world without hunger. Something to strive for, and ultimately possible.
What happened before the ‘big bang? Mary said: “Ok, come on, big boy, but be quiet or you’ll wake Joseph up.”
Does the Pope have someone he can high-five with about not being egged or arrested?
Theologians deny that Mary’s conception of Jesus was a seminal moment in religious history.
Secularism is a method of atheism, but not the answer. It doesn’t stop exploitation, abuse, wilful ignorance, and discrimination.
Tempers flared when God and Jesus debated circular references: God: “Jesus!!” — Jesus: “God!!” — Both: “Christ!!”
God Inc.’s Accounts Payable Department appears to be severely understaffed.
Alcohol, narcotics, religion – mind altering, addictive, unfit for children and parents, outlawed or taxed. Getting there.
I am for a Religion Bill limiting its influence to consenting adults, requiring it to pay taxes to attain any rights.
Religion should be sectioned off from society, politics, education, health care, and science.
When I read the Bible, I yelled ‘Holy Shit!’, immediately realising that that was the only accurate statement around.
What’s it called again when you do something stubbornly, repeatedly, and without too much thought? Oh right: “Religiously”.
God was tragically killed in the Big Bang. We’re on our own now. Everybody agree? Ok.
There’s only a one-letter difference between ‘immorality’ and ‘immortality’, and you must be a t-ist to see it.
Dictatorial regimes either consider religion a tool for repression, or a competing dictatorial regime.
No openly religious politician should be allowed to hold public office, as their allegiance lies with an external party.
Fallacy: If God is sovereign, he can do as he pleases. If the Bible is the word of God, he’s bound by it, so he can’t.
What christians do not get, is that the Rapture is actually a factory recall to replace the faulty parts.
People created holy books and gods. There’s no reason to base a modern society on prehistoric superstitions.
Morality is an evolutionary mechanism for self-preservation. Religions and holy books are mere time capsules along the way.
The truth of homeopathy? Religion. The homeopathy of truth? Religion. Religion is always the answer…
‘Atheist dictators’ are dictators who go after organised religion as a competing totalitarian organisation to beat.
There were morals before the bible, there will be morals after. If anything, the bible hinders modern morality, but not forever.
Everything is subjective. Everything is relative. That’s why we evolve and adapt. Well, an increasing number of us.
The fact that there are morals in present time that were also in the bible does not infer causality. Morals predate the bible.
Does God have free will? If God has free will, the Bible is useless. If God doesn’t have free will, who controls him?
Morals cannot be absolute. Humans codified morals, based on their knowledge and understanding. These change, so morals change.
“Religion is the most ridiculous, the most absurd and bloody human idea that has ever infected the world.” – Voltaire, Updated
Of course there are no atheists in foxholes. Those were all occupied by theists at the first sign of danger.
Misunderstandings in Intelligent Design: free will was actually included in creation as an escape hatch from religion.
“I don’t believe in coincidence” and “Everything happens for a reason” are scientific statements. It’s ‘intent’ where faith derails.
Religion will pay the price for its arrogant attempts at shaping society. Society will now push back, and push back hard.
Science is about the pursuit of knowledge. Religion is about the persecution of knowledge.
True science raises ever more questions. More knowledge means more uncertainty. Paradoxically, questions and uncertainty fuel religion.
Science will drive some scientists to God for comfort. It’s a remnant of the evolutionary function of religion: a shelter from reality.
If a scientist says he believes in God, it doesn’t show that science is flawed. It shows that that scientist is weak.
Ironically, faith can only save and sustain itself by being sectarian, thus not interfering with society as a whole.
Skepticism, falsification, doubt, and criticism are the kryptonite of religion. Faith can only thrive on blind acceptance.
Do you avoid parties because of the people that show up? That’s exactly why the Rapture hasn’t happened yet.
When the wise men from the east told Joseph in the manger that Jesus had his nose, he said ‘God, I don’t think so.”
When Thomas told Joseph that he doubted that Mary caught it off of a toilet seat, Joseph said ‘You doubt everything!’
God just switched off his satnav because it prevented him from moving in mysterious ways.
To people of faith, thunder must be the Facepalm of God.
While reading ‘The God Delusion’ on his Kindle, God started doubting himself.
Jesus just tweeted how annoyed he is about those “How To Get More Followers” spam messages.
The Rapture has been postponed because Jesus is still in Guantanamo Bay enjoying first-class healthcare.
Every time an athlete thanks God, a coach loses his wings.
God: “I did NOT have sex with that woman!”
Meanwhile, a disgruntled carpenter googles “virgin” and scratches his head.
In science, rigging observational data to confirm your theory is a deadly sin. In religion, it earns you an academic title.
I’ll take adversity in the harsh light of reality over prosperity in the delusional glow of religion anytime.
A christian is like a frat boy who was brutally hazed. He’s bound to take it out on the next generation, and add to it.
Beware of the man who derives his sense of superiority from bowing his knees and subjugating himself voluntarily.
Christian faith is an infinite condom: all can be made to fit inside it, but there’s a tiny hole for losing annoying details.
Religion served a temporary human evolutionary purpose, but it’s on its way out. Unfortunately evolution takes ages unaided.
Whenever and wherever there’s a Gay Pride parade, lots of angels get their wings, apparently.
For men, church is a home away from home. It’s the other place where they get told what to do, feel, and think.
Judging evolution, religion focuses on the outcome and disregards the process. Like the Spanish Inquisition.
So long as religion doesn’t get that ‘life’ is one of trillions of random outcomes, it will never get science.
When God woke up after his day of rest, he said to himself: “What did I come in here for again?”
All world religions combined cannot pray away one single atheist.
I like the triumphalism with which atheists converting to religion are presented. For each one, thousands go the other way.
The biggest sacrifice a born-again christian has to make, is that his mental age is permanently reset to zero.
Abused children and oppressed adults take solace in imaginary friends. But nothing is more obscene than a free man choosing religion.
If you think that atheism is a cross to bear, you’re still not getting it.
Jesus may be your personal savior, but the chance that an atheist pulls you out of a burning car is much greater.
Calling atheism a religion shows you have a cult mindset: it’s groupthink, disregarding the possibility of individual choice.
Reality of the Flock: Barked at, stripped naked regularly, slaughtered in the end. Shepherd wins.
Religion provides the perfect marketplace for those keen to follow and obey, and those keen to exploit and profit.
If someone’s goal is set higher than humanity itself, they will surely trample humanity to reach it.
Belief in The Ultimate Escape Hatch makes any religion capable of, and indeed prone to, The Ultimate Atrocities.
Religion is like a blanket. It keeps you warm, shuts out the world, but you’re forced to smell your own farts.
If we’d known there was a three-day return policy on Jesus, we might have cremated him. Too soon?
Does anyone know of a clinic that prevents christians from being born again?
Religion is a tool with which the frightened actually make themselves more frightened to overcome their fears.
Religion fills a void. That void is ‘lack of moral fiber’ . It’s cheap calories replacing food for thought.
One cannot appreciate and help a fellow man when looking upwards. Religion is, by its very nature, anti-social.
Contrary to religion, atheism has never had to rewrite its core principles to incorporate advancing human knowledge.
If we are indeed the product of Intelligent Design, I can truthfully claim that my little nephew makes better drawings.
Humans are the pinnacle of God’s creation, so he stuck us on a single rock and left the rest of the universe uninhabitable.
God exists independent of human observation. Why did he create them? Why is he behind the curtain, and not on stage?
Reality exists without observation. If God is real, He created humans to observe Him, yet He blatantly refuses to be seen.
When a religious organisation files for tax exemption, it is basically stating that it doesn’t add value.
If you fast-forward evolution, you’ll see religion sliding down the double helix fast.
Most abortions are about saving one life, instead of destroying two.
Religion is best fought with ridicule, not reason. Using the latter would lend it a false sense of reasonability.
If you look to the skies for guidance, you’ll either miss the street signs or walk into them.
Unlike other addictive and mind-altering drugs, religion is without substance.
Judging by the number of interpretations and competing explanations in religion, atheism is a prime example of Occam’s Razor.
If God is your guiding light, you’ve chosen to live in the dark. If he’s your co-pilot, you’ve chosen to lose your way.
Atheism is the natural state of man. Indoctrination makes man religious. Blame your parents.
If total delusion is an advantage, believers have an enormous head start.
There are no religious children, only religious parents. Beliefs are a product of indoctrination.
Claim the inalienable right not to have religion in your life, laws, government, public services, and the public domain.
Preach the gospel in your church, and I will leave you be. Preach the gospel in my house, and I will make you leave.
Atheism used to be a personal choice, but it’s becoming a movement due to the external pressure of religion encroaching on our lives.
The main organising principle in atheism today is organised religion not respecting an atheist’s lack of beliefs.
The largest totalitarian movement throughout the ages has been organised and militant religion fighting ‘infidels’.
The only mass-murders directed at religion were perpetrated by another religion. No atheist kills for his lack of beliefs.
I’m actually a big fan of religious conversions. Churches, mosques, and temples can be made into great apartments.
A typical atheist’s typo would be: “Does God Exit?”.
Question their beliefs, and the moral veneer of believers quickly fades to expose some deadly sins in action.
To get any use out of a holy book I’d have to saw off part of a table leg.
Depression. Repression. Oppression. Suppression. Aggression. All are sublimated in religion.
Militant religion, which wants an unfree society for us, triggers a counter-movement resulting in an unfree society for them.
Science can’t be used as a supporting argument for religion, because disproving dogma is not allowed.
Santa Claus. The Bogey Man. You believed. You were scared. You grew up. You stopped believing. You moved on. Why stop there? Atheism.
I prefer a theory with some holes over some holes with a theory.
The main reason why evolution cannot be proved 100% is that there are still humans who actively refuse to evolve.
Those living in a small world believe they’re huge; those observing the vast universe know how small we actually are.
Early religion used science to attain more wisdom. Modern religion rejects science because its wisdom negates its beliefs.
Religion is the only human endeavor that actively resists natural human progress and reaches for the future in the past.
Being indoctrinated into believing is sad and criminal; actively submitting to indoctrination is pathetic and selfdestructive.
The danger of beliefs is that they’re unproved but imposed, the danger of knowledge is that it’s proved but ignored.
God is a concept that drives people to self-imposed slavery.
God is invented by fear, annihilated by knowledge, defended by hypocrisy.
A donkey won’t move if you tell it it will get either the carrot or the stick only after death. An ass will.
The main reason why atheism starts to resemble a movement is the inability of religion to exercise its ‘brotherly love’.
“No, son, that’s not the moon, it’s a police helicopter looking for Father Brown for you know what.”
Free, independent, and unencumbered thinkers will never resort to religion. It is atheism that attracts the truly enlightened.
Instead of focusing on atheism, people of faith might be better off confronting those who saddled them with their untenable beliefs.
Is there a spellchecker that changes ‘praying for the sick to make them feel better’ into ‘preying on the sick to make me feel better’?
The more science explains away the unknown, the more religion gets reduced to an ordinary human malfunction.
“I know it’s true, I felt it, and I’ve seen it with my own eyes!’ is a phrase commonly invoked by paranoid schizophrenics.
If there are no atheists in foxholes, it’s probably because they’re actually fighting instead of cowering and praying.
Drawback of atheism: being unable to ask a person of faith after death: ‘So, how do you feel about wasting your entire life?’
How many real problems has your religion solved today? And how many real problems has your religion caused today?
In the cosmos of evolution, religion is the black hole. It sucks up all the trash, and no reason can escape from it.
If a Muslim asks “Can I crash at your place?”, don’t readily assume the worst. He may just want to demolish your house.
If you thank God after surviving a catastrophe, you really need to be in another one, just to sharpen your logic.
The notion that science shouldn’t enter the realm of religion is really beyond me. Science has cured lots of mental afflictions.
Realisation: the Christian Right hates Hollywood for advocating only a temporary suspension of disbelief.
That religion has placebo-like ‘positive side-effects’ does not mean you can’t point out the inherent logical fallacy of beliefs.
Atheism equals personal freedom: no belief system, no organisation, no leader, no dogma, no church, no pressure.
Horoscopes, Prayers and Placebos: the Holy Trinity of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy and Self-Delusion.
Somewhere out there, in the vast and cold universe, a bewildered old man is still looking for his lost marble.
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- sonic youth
- sony ericsson
- Sony Ericsson Cyber-shot™ K850i Cell Phone
- Sony Ericsson K750i Cell Phone
- Sony Ericsson K850i
- Sony Ericsson K850i (Velvet Blue) Mobile Phone
- Statistical hypothesis testing
- Stellar evolution
- tank man
- Tax rate
- terug naar je maker
- The Cranes Are Flying
- The Cruck Barn
- the daily show
- The Guardian
- the late show
- The Netherlands
- The New Yorker Magazine
- The Raveonettes
- The Universe
- The Von Bondies
- Tiananmen Square protests
- Toad Cottage
- Tom Tom
- Torregaveta beach
- Trio Bulgarka
- tweede wereldoorlog
- Two Dales
- United States
- vacuum cleaner
- Vacuum cleaners
- Van Basten
- Vanity Fair
- venus project
- Village of New York City
- Virtela Communications Inc
- web browser
- Web browsers
- web store
- Window Maker
- X Window System
- yellow magic orchestra
- Zeitgeist Movement