[EN] Atheist Quotes

Posted on July 18, 2010
Filed Under English | 2 Comments

Being on Twitter and having strong opinions on some matters, religion in particular, sometimes leads to heated discussions. The format of Twitter messages, binding you to a strict 140 character message length, forces you to be precise and to the point. Over time, this has produced a number of one-liners, and I want to put them on here, so others may use them. All of these are mine, and mine alone. They’re not supposed to be pearls of wisdom, they’re merely sophistries and playful word games. Some have been slightly adjusted to stand on their own a little better. You can use them with or without attribution. I don’t really care!

I believe in death after life.

Theologians deny that Mary’s immaculate conception was a seminal moment in religious history.

Tempers flared when God and Jesus debated circular references: God: “Jesus!!” — Jesus: “God!!” — Both: “Christ!!”

God Inc.’s Accounts Payable Department appears to be severely understaffed.

When I read the Bible, I yelled ‘Holy Shit!’, immediately realising that that was the only accurate statement around.

What’s it called again when you do something stubbornly, repeatedly, and without too much thought? Oh right: “Religiously”.

God was tragically killed in the Big Bang. We’re on our own now. Everybody agree? Ok.

There’s only a one-letter difference between ‘immorality’ and ‘immortality’, and you must be a t-ist to see it.

Dictatorial regimes either consider religion as a tool for repression, or as a competing dictatorial regime.

No openly religious politician should be allowed to hold public office, as their allegiance lies with an external party.

Fallacy: If God is sovereign, he can do as he pleases. If the Bible is the word of God, he’s bound by it, so he can’t.

What christians do not get, is that the Rapture is actually a factory recall to replace the faulty parts.

People created holy books and gods. There’s no reason to base a modern society on prehistoric superstitions.

Morality is an evolutionary mechanism for self-preservation. Religions and holy books are mere time capsules along the way.

‘Atheist dictators’ are dictators who go after organised religion as a competing totalitarian organisation to beat.

There were morals before the bible, there will be morals after. If anything, the bible hinders modern morality, but not forever.

Everything is subjective. Everything is relative. That’s why we evolve and adapt. Well, an increasing number of us.

The fact that there are morals in present time that were also in the bible does not infer causality. Morals predate the bible.

Does God have free will? If God has free will, the Bible is useless. If God doesn’t have free will, who controls him?

Morals cannot reasonably be absolute. Humans codified morals, based on their knowledge and understanding. These change, so morals change.

“Religion is the most ridiculous, the most absurd and bloody human idea that has ever infected the world.” – Voltaire, Updated

Of course there are no atheists in foxholes. Those were all occupied by theists at the first sign of danger.

“I don’t believe in coincidence” and “Everything happens for a reason” are scientific statements. It’s ‘intent’ where faith derails.

Religion will pay the price for its arrogant attempts at shaping society. Society will now push back, and push back hard.

Science is about the pursuit of knowledge. Religion is about the persecution of knowlegde.

True science raises ever more questions. More knowledge means more uncertainty. Paradoxically, questions and uncertainty fuel religion.

Revolutionary science will drive some scientists to God for comfort. It’s a remnant of the obsolete evolutionary function of religion.

If a scientist says he believes in God, it doesn’t show that science is flawed. It shows that that scientist is weak.

Ironically, faith can only save and sustain itself my being sectarian, thus not interfering with society as a whole.

Skepticism, falsifcation, doubt, and criticism are the kryptonite of religion. Faith can only thrive on blind acceptance.

Do you avoid parties because of the people that show up? That’s exactly why the Rapture hasn’t happened yet.

When the wise men from the east told Joseph in the manger that Jesus had his nose, he said ‘God, I don’t think so.”

When Thomas told Joseph that he doubted that Mary caught it off of a toilet seat, Joseph said ‘You doubt everything!’

God just switched off his satnav because it prevented him from moving in mysterious ways.

To people of faith, thunder must be the Facepalm of God.

While reading ‘The God Delusion’ on his Kindle, God started doubting himself.

Jesus just tweeted how annoyed he is about those “How To Get More Followers” spam messages.

The Rapture has been postponed because Jesus is still in Guantanamo Bay enjoying first-class healthcare.

Every time an athlete thanks God, a coach loses his wings.

God: “I did NOT have sex with that woman!”

Meanwhile, a disgruntled carpenter googles “virgin” and scratches his head.

In science, rigging observational data to confirm your theory is a deadly sin. In religion, it gets you an academic title.

I’ll take adversity in the harsh light of reality over prosperity in the delusional glow of religion anytime.

A christian is like a frat boy who was brutally hazed. He’s bound to take it out on the next generation, and add to it.

Beware of the man who derives his sense of superiority from bowing his knees and subjugating himself voluntarily.

Christian faith is an infinite condom: all can be made to fit inside it, but there’s a tiny hole for losing annoying details.

Religion served a human evolutionary purpose, but it’s on its way out. Unfortunately evolution takes ages unaided.

Whenever and wherever there’s a Gay Pride parade, lots of angels get their wings, apparently.

Judging evolution, religion focuses on the outcome and disregards the process. Like the Spanish Inquisition.

So long as religion doesn’t get that ‘life’ is one of trillions of random possibilities, it will never get science.

When God woke up after his day of rest, he said to himself: “What did I come in here for again?”

All world religions combined cannot pray away one single atheist.

I like the triumphalism with which atheists converted to religion are presented. For each one, thousands go the other way.

The biggest sacrifice a born-again christian has to make, is that his mental age is permanently reset to zero.

Abused children and oppressed adults take solace in imaginary friends. But nothing is more obscene than a free man choosing religion.

If you think that atheism is a cross to bear, you’re still not getting it.

Jesus may be your personal savior, but the chance that an atheist pulls you out of a burning car is much greater.

Calling atheism a religion shows you have a cult mindset: it’s groupthink, disregarding the possibility of individual choice.

Reality of the Flock: Barked at, stripped naked regularly, slaughtered in the end. Shepherd wins.

Religion provides the perfect marketplace for those keen to follow and obey, and those keen to exploit and profit.

If someone’s goal is set higher than humanity itself, they will surely trample humanity to reach it.

Belief in The Ultimate Escape Hatch makes any religion capable of, and indeed prone to, The Ultimate Atrocities.

Religion is like a blanket. It keeps you warm, shuts out the world, but you’re forced to smell your own farts.

If we’d known there was a three-day return policy on Jesus, we might have cremated him. Too soon?

Does anyone know of an abortion clinic that prevents christians from being born again?

Religion is a tool with which the frightened actually make themselves more frightened to overcome their fears.

Religion fills a void. That void is ‘lack of moral fiber’ . It’s cheap calories replacing food for thought.

One cannot appreciate and help a fellow man when looking upward. Religion is, by its very nature, anti-social.

Contrary to religion, atheism has never had to rewrite its core principles to incorporate advancing human knowledge.

If we are indeed the product of Intelligent Design, I can truthfully claim that my little nephew makes better drawings.

Humans are the pinnacle of God’s creation: he stuck us on a single rock and left the rest of the universe uninhabitable.

God exists independent of human observation. Why did he create them? Why is he behind the curtain, and not on stage?

Reality exists without observation. If God is real, humans were created to observe him, yet he refuses to be seen.

When a religious organisation files for tax exemption, it is basically stating that it doesn’t add value.

If you fast-forward evolution, you’ll see religion sliding down the double helix fast.

Most abortions are about saving one life, instead of destroying two.

Religion is best fought with ridicule, not reason. Using the latter would lend it a false sense of reasonability.

If you look to the skies for guidance, you’ll either miss the street signs or walk into them.

Unlike other addictive and mind-altering drugs, religion is without substance.

Judging by the number of interpretations and competing explanations in religion, atheism is a prime example of Occam’s Razor.

If God is your guiding light, you’ve chosen to live in the dark. If he’s your co-pilot, you’ve chosen to lose your way.

Atheism  is the natural state of man. Indoctrination makes man religious. Blame your parents.

If total delusion is an advantage, believers have an enormous head start.

There are no religious children, only religious parents. Beliefs are a product of indoctrination.

Claim the inalienable right not to have religion  in your life, laws, government, public services, and the public domain.

Preach the gospel in your church, and I will leave you be. Preach the gospel in my house, and I will make you leave.

Atheism used to be a personal choice, but it’s becoming a movement due to the external pressure of religion encroaching on our lives.

The main organising principle in atheism today is organised religion not respecting an atheist’s lack of beliefs.

The largest totalitarian movement throughout the ages has been organised and militant religion fighting ‘infidels’.

The only mass-murders directed at religion were perpetrated by another religion. No atheist kills for his lack of beliefs.

I’m actually a big fan of religious conversions. Churches, mosques, and temples can be made into great apartments.

A typical atheist’s typo would be: “Does God Exit?”.

Question their beliefs, and the moral veneer of believers fades to expose the seven deadly sins in action.

To get any use out of a holy book I’d have to saw off part of a table leg.

Depression. Repression. Oppression. Suppression. Aggression. All are sublimated in religion. Shaken and stirred.

Militant religion, which wants an unfree society for us, triggers a counter-movement resulting in an unfree society for them.

Science can’t be used as a supporting argument for religion, because disproving dogma is not allowed.

Misunderstandings in Intelligent Design: free wIll was actually included in creation as an escape hatch from religion.

Santa Claus. The Bogey Man. You believed. You were scared. You grew up. You stopped believing. You moved on. Why stop there? Atheism.

I prefer a theory with some holes over some holes with a theory.

The main reason why evolution cannot be proved 100% is that there are still humans who actively refuse to evolve.

Those living in a small world believe they’re huge; those observing the vast universe know how small we actually are.

Early religion used science to attain more wisdom. Modern religion rejects science because its wisdom negates its beliefs.

Religion is the only human endeavor that actively resists natural human progress and reaches for the future in the past.

Being indoctrinated into believing is sad and criminal; actively submitting to indoctrination is pathetic and selfdestructive.

The danger of beliefs is that they’re unproved but imposed, the danger of knowledge is that it’s proved but ignored.

God is the only concept that drives people to self-imposed slavery.

God is invented by fear, annihilated by knowledge, defended by hypocrisy.

A donkey won’t move if you tell it it will get either the carrot or the stick only after death. An ass will.

The main reason why atheism starts to resemble a movement is the inability of religion to exercise its ‘brotherly love’.

“No, son, that’s not the moon, it’s a police helicopter looking for Father Brown for you know what.”

Free, independent, and unencumbered thinkers will never resort to religion. It is atheism that attracts the truly enlightened. </zen>.

Instead of focusing on atheism, people of religion might be better off confronting those who saddled them with their untenable beliefs.

Is there a spellchecker that changes ‘praying for the sick to make them feel better’ into ‘preying on the sick to make me feel better’?

The more science explains away the unknown, the more religion gets reduced to an ordinary human malfunction.

“I know it’s true, I’ve seen it with my own eyes’ is a phrase commonly invoked by paranoid schizophrenics.

If there are no atheists in foxholes, it’s probably because they’re actually fighting instead of cowering.

Drawback of atheism: being unable to ask a person of religion after death: ‘So, how do you feel about wasting your entire life?’

How many real problems has your religion solved today? And how many real problems has your religion caused today?

In the cosmos of evolution, religion is the black hole. It sucks up all the trash, and no reason can escape from it.

If a Muslim asks “Can I crash at your place?”, don’t readily assume the worst. He may just want to demolish your house.

If you thank God after surviving a catastrophe, you really need to be in another one, just to sharpen your logic.

The notion that science shouldn’t enter the realm of religion is really beyond me. Science has cured lots of mental afflictions.

Realisation: the Christian Right hates Hollywood for advocating only a  temporary suspension of disbelief.

That religion has placebo-like ‘positive side-effects’ does not mean you can’t point out the inherent logical fallacy of beliefs.

Atheism equals personal freedom: no belief system, no organisation, no leader, no dogma, no church, no pressure.

Horoscopes, Prayers and Placebos: the Holy Trinity of Self-Fulfilling Prophecy and Self-Delusion.

Somewhere out there, in the vast and cold universe, a bewildered old man is still looking for his lost marble.